I thought I got rid of it for good. Things are finally going the way it supposed to be. Got out of a toxic relationship, found myself a place to work in with amazing people, thought I had school all figured out and found someone who could make me happy. But, it feels as if things are starting to fall apart again. I dont know the feeling and I dont know what it is thats crumbling but I KNOW the feeling when my state of mind is not well. “It all starts with not wanting to get out of bed, thats how you know you’re getting bad again.” The feeling crept it’s way in. It was so dim I didnt care to notice it. Now that its stronger, it is almost hard to ignore it. Those thoughts I never wanted to come back, is beginning to haunt me again. I feel as if my happiness is slowly fading away. The feelings that made my heart warm is slowly going away. It finally hit me hard tonight. The past couple weeks I tried so hard to not let it tear me down but now, I just couldnt do it anymore.
I often think to myself, “How can I be better?” or “What will make them happier?” I always feel as if whatever I do, it could never be enough. Often times I hear where I need to improve in or what I am doing is not right. Sometimes I just want to be told how proud they are of me and how far I’ve gone. I am always criticized and frowned upon on when i decide to do what I want to do. They don’t see how tired I am from pursuing what they want me to be or see how hard I am really trying. I am exhausted of trying to become what I am not but I feel that is the only way for people to accept me.
I’m starting to feel like school was never for me. I’ve been in college for almost six years now and have yet to determine what it is that I want to do with my life. If I had really committed to Nursing I would have been done years ago. But it was not something I see myself doing. Maybe it was for my family but its just not what my heart is set on. Hopefully ill eventually find what it is that I am meant to do.
I’ve always had the worst time dealing with insecurities. I never took compliments well when I receive them. It’s weird and sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable. I envied ladies who can naturally flaunt their beauty and confidence . It’s like they don’t even have to try as hard as I do. There are so many things that I get so insecure about. The way I talk, the way display myself, my clothes, my face, EVERYTHING. We live in such a judgmental world that I cant go a day without thinking what people would think of me next. In the past it always seemed like I was never good enough for anyone and that there is always going to be someone better than I am. There is always going to be another person who is more talented and prettier. And when these thoughts come to mind, I just want to lock myself up in the room and feel worthless. It doesn’t help when people that I care most about are constantly comparing me to others, like I HAVE to me exactly like them. I don’t know, I am doing better about not caring about how others view me. But there are still times where I wish I was better.
I want to tell you “I love you” but what does it really mean when I say I do? In a matter of days, I was flooded with emotions I did not intend on having. I did not mean to have felt this way but you somehow found your way into my heart. What was it that drawn me so close and allowed myself to get hooked onto you? The feeling is surreal and I cant explain why. I ask repeatedly in my head “why you?” why do you have this control over me to feel so weak.. My mind races whenever I think of you and how possible a future together would be. But everyday I have to hold back the feeling and shrug it off. As much as I want to allow it, I cant. I made the mistake in wasting 4 years from my previous relationship to not take my time and learn more about myself. I feel guilty to fall back on this last relationship and use that as a stepping stone on my current one to be more cautious on the choices I make. I could have potentially found my soul mate, the partner God meant for me, but here I am denying the feelings and holding myself back from letting what’s meant to be, be. Honestly, it hurts to not tell you everything that I want to say but, I know that if it’s really true, it can wait.
I want to be the best daughter for my parents, the best sister for my siblings, the best girlfriend and eventually the best wife. But how do I excel in fulfilling the needs of those that I care the most? I’ve always put others first before my own and realized it now to how much I lost the person I really am. I must learn again to love myself in order to provide the love I have to give to others. It is hard for me to be selfish because I spent my whole life servicing for others. But I have to try harder now to really focus on myself. I’m afraid that once I do, I would lose many people along the way. Although that may be the case, those who really means well, would be there for me till the very end.
My mind and heart is in a constant battle right now leaving me unsure to what I should do. My heart aches to what my mind has to say and my mind is going crazy to what my heart feels. Going back and forth to my wants and what I really need is hard. What I want is not necessarily what I need…at the moment. Why is it that what we want makes us the happiest compared to what we need? I don’t want to lose this happiness because who knows if it’ll be the same happiness the second time around.. But maybe, what I want, is what I really needed all along..