I can’t remember the last time someone has ever made me happy like you do.
Everytime I think about you, I just want rip my hair out. You put so much hate into my heart that there is barely any room left for love. A hate that I thought I never had.
- I regret the things I did in Hawaii.
I’ve always neglected one of the reasons why my parents were so quick to get me out of Hawaii. I got into so much trouble as 15 year old. I mean c’mon what teenager out there doesnt? My step-dad despised me and did not see me as a “daughter”. I lacked the father figure while growing up. I was your typical teenager who snuck out, skipped school to see boys, and done many things I probably shouldnt have. My step-dad almost sent me to one of those bootcamps for misbehaved children. He also wanted to send me back to the Philippines because he just did not like me. I was involved with a guy who might have not been the greatest for my well-being. My parent’s friends disapproved of me to hangout with their children. I remember having been told that I could not be trusted and that I would end up as a helpless single mother living off the streets begging for handouts. Now that I look back to all the mishap, I am more than happy to have gotten out of Hawaii. It has definitely shaped the person I am today. It made me wiser with my actions (sorta) and matured me in a way that I would never think about doing the things I did ever again.
My life is a damn roller coaster. Stomach churning ups and downs making me almost sick to my stomach. I realized tonight after a bottle of moscato to myself, my life is a whirlpool of chaos. Do you believe that there a is a reason for everything? More so people that you cross path with has a significance to your life? I have encountered numerous people throughout my life in whom has created some sort of impact. Some has taught me how to open up, some has taught me to find confidence in myself, and some who has proven to me not all are going to be rainbows and butterflies. For almost 4 years, I have revolved my heart and soul around one person. I fuckin prayed and believed all the signs that pointed my life towards him. Everything changed about myself in the pursuit of making him happy. I lost tracked of who I was from focusing my all on him. Now sitting here, all I have is nothing. My devotion, my goals, part of my life committed to this has gone to waste. It drives me insane to be living in full of regrets and to see how much time that I have wasted. The past 4 years could have been used on myself. To become someone better, to finish school and just become the person myself and family always wanted me to be. I am so ashamed for the person that I become. This is not me I promise you that. I was obsessed on the idea of love and gotten so blind to see what it has done to me. It has turned my life to a complete mess. I am so lost and do not know what to do at this point. I want to be happy again and I tell myself everyday that this will pass and the best has yet to come. But as for right now, I have this dark burden hovering above me daunting me to do something I know will hurt everyone I care about.
My mind is racing right now overwhelmed with all the events that went on during the past few days. Did it really happened or was it all a pigment of my imagination? For once in my life or safe to say in the past 2 years, I felt wanted. I felt like I could belong somewhere. The feeling of someone looking into my eyes with genuine gestures made everything surreal. Almost feeling so giddy inside to have met someone to make my world right side up again. I was in such a dark spot in my life where nothing could rescue me and shed some light. I’m scared of this new profound feeling. I’m afraid to give in and break down this fort that I have built to protect myself from war. I have been through so much and suffered through everything that happened in the last few years. My grasp on life loosened and I just could not take it anymore. I became stressed and done things that not only will hurt me but my family as well if they knew what was going on. I am selfish to have brought my family into this. They suffered just as much as I did maybe even more. I do not know what to do. Things are finally turning out for the better for me. I am gaining my happiness back and becoming the “old me” again. But now there is a new obstacle ahead of me…whether to take this leap of unexpected faith or walk around it..
I have been so depressed and tired for the last few months. I never thought this is how the beginning of 2017 would be for me. So much heartaches crawled upon me. I cant focus, I cant eat..im hopeless. The “love of my life” is gone. No he is not dead, but the passion and love between us is over. He was supposed to be my lifetime partner, my rock but he could not handle the responsibility of fulfilling my needs. I HAVE NEEDS like how he has his. I revolved my life around him. After a long day at work, I am cooking at midnight to make sure he has lunch in the morning because I am constantly worrying whether he ate or not. I prayed every morning that he has a great day. I am always there when he stumbles on an obstacle. I am there when he needs help with the most common things in life. I tried giving emotional support. Gave him the intimacy he wants. But I grew overwhelmed. When I needed emotional support he turned away. When I needed financial support, he would give but then grumbles about me not having money of my own. Mind you, we are married.. The attention he had for his friends, I did not have. We shared different values in life, our future were different. We were not a team. Only time we ever were is if I did something that interest him or benefits HIM. This is my first marriage and hoped that it would be my last. When two people cant meet eye to eye and understands each other’s side…is that how it really goes? if it is, how do people manage? I am having the most difficult time finding ways to save our marriage.. with him he has not done a thing to help but rather lash out and call me inappropriate names. I need help.
I hate the life we created.
I hate the memories we shared.
I hate the feelings I get when I think of you.
I hate everything about you.