I need to distant myself from you. I’ve driven myself insane thinking about you, wanting you, and obsessing over you. I want all of you to myself. All of your time and attention. But I understand it can’t always be that way. When I want you and can’t have you, I’ll get upset. It is the worst feeling in the world when I can’t have you all to myself. We still have a long way to go to see where “this” may go and I must remind myself to take it one day at a time. It is so hard to do so when everything about you, I crave. All that you do and say to make me feel a certain way, it is all that I want. I can’t have you all to myself. There are other people in your life that wants you as well. Because of the person I am, and always putting others first..they can have you.
I’ve never felt such sadness till I have to force myself to not care about something when truthfully, I really do.
I thought I got rid of it for good. Things are finally going the way it supposed to be. Got out of a toxic relationship, found myself a place to work in with amazing people, thought I had school all figured out and found someone who could make me happy. But, it feels as if things are starting to fall apart again. I dont know the feeling and I dont know what it is thats crumbling but I KNOW the feeling when my state of mind is not well. “It all starts with not wanting to get out of bed, thats how you know you’re getting bad again.” The feeling crept it’s way in. It was so dim I didnt care to notice it. Now that its stronger, it is almost hard to ignore it. Those thoughts I never wanted to come back, is beginning to haunt me again. I feel as if my happiness is slowly fading away. The feelings that made my heart warm is slowly going away. It finally hit me hard tonight. The past couple weeks I tried so hard to not let it tear me down but now, I just couldnt do it anymore.
I often think to myself, “How can I be better?” or “What will make them happier?” I always feel as if whatever I do, it could never be enough. Often times I hear where I need to improve in or what I am doing is not right. Sometimes I just want to be told how proud they are of me and how far I’ve gone. I am always criticized and frowned upon on when i decide to do what I want to do. They don’t see how tired I am from pursuing what they want me to be or see how hard I am really trying. I am exhausted of trying to become what I am not but I feel that is the only way for people to accept me.
I’m starting to feel like school was never for me. I’ve been in college for almost six years now and have yet to determine what it is that I want to do with my life. If I had really committed to Nursing I would have been done years ago. But it was not something I see myself doing. Maybe it was for my family but its just not what my heart is set on. Hopefully ill eventually find what it is that I am meant to do.
I’ve always had the worst time dealing with insecurities. I never took compliments well when I receive them. It’s weird and sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable. I envied ladies who can naturally flaunt their beauty and confidence . It’s like they don’t even have to try as hard as I do. There are so many things that I get so insecure about. The way I talk, the way display myself, my clothes, my face, EVERYTHING. We live in such a judgmental world that I cant go a day without thinking what people would think of me next. In the past it always seemed like I was never good enough for anyone and that there is always going to be someone better than I am. There is always going to be another person who is more talented and prettier. And when these thoughts come to mind, I just want to lock myself up in the room and feel worthless. It doesn’t help when people that I care most about are constantly comparing me to others, like I HAVE to me exactly like them. I don’t know, I am doing better about not caring about how others view me. But there are still times where I wish I was better.