I don’t think I’ve ever felt so insecure with myself. I wish I was skinny. I wish I was smart. But I’m none of those. I’m going no where with my life and it’s bugging the hell out of me. I don’t understand why I got so jealous over the girls my boyfriend was talking about. Could be because I’m not them and they can potentially be better than my worthless self? Could it be because of my past and how things end up turning out the way it did? I’m afraid to get hurt. I’m afraid to go through it again. Every relationship started off this way. “It’s okay, there’s nothing going on…nothing between us” etc etc… Next thing I know, I’m called stupid for asking questions about who she is, or all of a sudden secrets are being kept and it becomes my fault for any of this happening. Maybe I came off too strong and gave too much of what I got. When I get upset or sad it feels as if I shouldn’t have moved too fast or got attached. Or maybe I have not given enough and I am lacking something they need. Idk.
Today was such a long day. As a matter of fact, the past two days has been dreadful. I stupidly volunteered to take on a new assignment at work and now it’s biting me in the ass. In all honesty, it’s not that bad. However, the people, or should I say the person I work with makes the day go by much longer. I hate having bad vibes and I hat having people act less of themselves. One of my pet peeves has to be when OLDER adults starts acting like they are a toddler. I’m stressing out more than I should when the job itself is so simple.
Im so sad. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad in a while..
I want to go to school, I want to get married, I want to have kids all before I’m 30. I’m currently 25 and accomplished nothing. I’m starting from rock bottom and have so little time and limited to what I want to do. I’m conflicted between the choices that I have and what is a priority in my life right now. I get into my feels every so often on how much I really wasted years of my life. I wish I can go back to high school me and be more driven and clear to my goals and what it is that I want succeed in. Time is running out. Everyone tells me I am still young but I am afraid that out of the choices I have, I must sacrifice one. But WHAT? All of them are so important to me…to my life, and how my future can turn out. I’m afraid that if I leave out one, I will regret it later.
Maybe I’m just a needy girlfriend. I need my boyfriend 24/7 to talk about my day, to comfort me, and to make me feel wanted. I like the feeling of talking to my boyfriend before I go to bed. I like the feeling of waking up to a phone call. I like the feeling of getting a text out of the blue with “I love yous”. I need the same effort that I give out to be given back. But does that make me clingy? Having to want or need my boyfriend every second of the day? As time goes by I am becoming more and more attached to him that one day I may never be able to function anymore if he has not been a part of the new day. What would happen if I had not heard from him in a day…a week..or a month?
I’ll start getting use to it and start expecting…less.