Depression

It is nearing the end of September with only three months left of 2021. It has been one hell of a year And I am definitely looking forward to what next year has in store for me. This year Challenged me and tested my strength. The big thing of this year was the roughest and it still has me today whenever I look back to how It was. I knew that I suffered from depression ever since I was a teenager but no one really took me seriously. Postpartum depression got the best of me aswell as taking full control of my mind and how I viewed my life. That was when I had decided that I no longer wanted to be here. The relationship I had with my husband was rough but the relationship with myself and my past was even rougher. I found out that my husband cheated on me and that made me feel worthless. I felt like it was a huge slap in the face because of how he made me feel towards this person that he cheated on me with. I had absolutely no control of my life anymore I was so sad I felt so alone. That was when I decided to commit suicide. I just couldn’t do it anymore I was so unhappy with my marriage and my relationship with my family. It was just all coming down on me and I could not take it anymore. I felt so betrayed lonely I just had nowhere else to go. That morning my husband and I had an argument telling you that I wanted to leave and I wanted to take our son with me. This was already all after the fact that I had told him I found out what he did how I felt just overall. Of course he made me feel worse and turned everything around on me Saying it was my fault that all of this happened because of me. So I hung up but before I did I told him that I was going to kill myself. That morning I took all that was in my bottle of medications, took a shower and laid down. I had my Sister take my son and told her she needed to take him because I needed a break. She didn’t know what I had done but simply thought that I really needed some time alone. I was already going in and out of consciousness when my husband came home after the phone call. He knew what happened and attempted to bring me to the hospital. I refused to go and told him to leave me alone. EMS was called and came to our house along with a police officer. I spent all night in the emergency department being monitored. Eventually, I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital for a week and got put on medication to help stabilize my moods. This was such a hard time in my life because I never would have thought that I would be in this kind of place myself. Upon discharge I had weekly calls checking up on me as well as monthly visits with the psychiatrist. Everything felt unreal but it did help me SO MUCH. Every now and then I’d slip into my emotions and feel that terrible feeling again. That feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. But I would snap back and tell myself that my son needs me to be there and that without me, he would never survive. I am still battling with depression but this time around I have the resources I need incase I ever spiral down into that dark space in my mind again. 

Love, Me pt2

Dear you,

The memories will be there but the amount of feelings I have will soon fade away. I’m letting you go. I’m letting you go from my thoughts. I’m letting you go from my heart. I am letting you go.. Your name no longer excites me nor does it create a spark. It is time to pull myself out of this love mess and look forward to moving on. I must look forward to focusing on what I have no because that is all I will ever have. Thank you for the memories and thank you for the emotions you made me feel. I wish you the very best and for you to find whatever it is that you are searching for. 

Farewell,

Me

3:23 am

I am conflicted with my emotions. I’ve started a new life..birthed a son, I have a husband that will go through all means to try the best he can to make me happy but I’m all of a sudden hooked onto my past. Maybe I shouldn’t have talked to him to make amends because now, all I do is think about what would happen if things did work out..? Deep down, I truly care about him, I still love him but I also love my family now. I have to shake off this feeling. It is not fair for the life that I created with my husband and my son. I love them dearly so I must let go..

Love, Me

Dear you,

I’ve been thinking about you lately. I know we gone through so much in the past. Things that shouldn’t have been said, actions that shouldn’t have been played, and emotions that shouldn’t have been felt. I’ve been trying to think about that it was that made us fall in love. What was it about you that made me feel so warm inside? I know at one point we were so happy. We got along real well and there were just so much love between us. Then I start thinking about what caused us to fall apart. What made me bring in so much hatred in my heart? I am just trying to recollect myself and see what made me feel all those emotions towards you. You were my person. We were supposed to be “meant to be”. I hope that you are doing well. Sometimes…I miss you. It’s been years since I’ve seen you and I regret that the last time we saw each other wasn’t so great. We both started our new separate lives and all that I can do now…is wish you well.

Love,

Me.

2020

Somehow, whenever there is a significant event that occurs in my life, I always want to jot it down. Writing my thoughts out feels so good. Whether it is good news or bad, I feel like writing to complete strangers about it helps me feel like I am being listened to.

Well guess what 2020, you can suck my ass.

2019 at a glimpse

WOW, it’s been a while since I’ve been on here and going through my past posts, brought tears to my eyes. I was in such a dark place and I could almost relive the feeling I felt while writing those thoughts..

Fast forward to the end (somewhat) of 2019! A lot has happened the past year or so. I got married, moved to the east coast, moved back to the west coast, started school again..eventually dropped out halfway through the semester, and got the news that my husband and I are expecting! So many events that occurred and so many POSITIVE things that happened. I am in such a better state now. It is not great but definitely happier than I was in the past. We are so delighted for the changes happening although, it will only get tougher from here. I love the support I have from my husband and appreciate the hard work he is putting in for our little growing family. It’s been real 2019!

Self Identity.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with self-identity. As a matter of fact, I’ve dealt with this for as long as I could remember. I saw a post today on one of my social medias talking about “self-identity”. I asked myself, what’s MY identity? WHO am I? I dig deeper into my past and it’s been constant changes on who I SHOULD be. I have my family hoping to be a certain person and there’s myself whom wants to be a different way. I’ve been to college and after tuition debts, I’m still unsure what it is that I want to do and who it is that I want to be. Have I really lost myself in the process of trying to pursue happiness for someone else? I honestly do not know who I am and what my purpose here for existing. So I asked myself, WHAT is my self-identity? Because in the end after I may have lose everything else, what I’ll have left is the knowledge that I have grown to learning.  I’ve always known that school is an important aspect of my life. Especially now that I am older a supposedly wise enough to make the right decisions. But here I am still juggling the person I want and should be. Maybe that is what that “empty” feeling that I am constantly feeling inside. I could definitely have it all but I will never feel satisfied until I discover who I really am.