I want to go to school, I want to get married, I want to have kids all before I’m 30. I’m currently 25 and accomplished nothing. I’m starting from rock bottom and have so little time and limited to what I want to do. I’m conflicted between the choices that I have and what is a priority in my life right now. I get into my feels every so often on how much I really wasted years of my life. I wish I can go back to high school me and be more driven and clear to my goals and what it is that I want succeed in. Time is running out. Everyone tells me I am still young but I am afraid that out of the choices I have, I must sacrifice one. But WHAT? All of them are so important to me…to my life, and how my future can turn out. I’m afraid that if I leave out one, I will regret it later.
Maybe I’m just a needy girlfriend. I need my boyfriend 24/7 to talk about my day, to comfort me, and to make me feel wanted. I like the feeling of talking to my boyfriend before I go to bed. I like the feeling of waking up to a phone call. I like the feeling of getting a text out of the blue with “I love yous”. I need the same effort that I give out to be given back. But does that make me clingy? Having to want or need my boyfriend every second of the day? As time goes by I am becoming more and more attached to him that one day I may never be able to function anymore if he has not been a part of the new day. What would happen if I had not heard from him in a day…a week..or a month?
I’ll start getting use to it and start expecting…less.
I need to distant myself from you. I’ve driven myself insane thinking about you, wanting you, and obsessing over you. I want all of you to myself. All of your time and attention. But I understand it can’t always be that way. When I want you and can’t have you, I’ll get upset. It is the worst feeling in the world when I can’t have you all to myself. We still have a long way to go to see where “this” may go and I must remind myself to take it one day at a time. It is so hard to do so when everything about you, I crave. All that you do and say to make me feel a certain way, it is all that I want. I can’t have you all to myself. There are other people in your life that wants you as well. Because of the person I am, and always putting others first..they can have you.
I’ve never felt such sadness till I have to force myself to not care about something when truthfully, I really do.