I’m starting to feel like school was never for me. I’ve been in college for almost six years now and have yet to determine what it is that I want to do with my life. If I had really committed to Nursing I would have been done years ago. But it was not something I see myself doing. Maybe it was for my family but its just not what my heart is set on. Hopefully ill eventually find what it is that I am meant to do.
I’ve always had the worst time dealing with insecurities. I never took compliments well when I receive them. It’s weird and sometimes make me feel really uncomfortable. I envied ladies who can naturally flaunt their beauty and confidence . It’s like they don’t even have to try as hard as I do. There are so many things that I get so insecure about. The way I talk, the way display myself, my clothes, my face, EVERYTHING. We live in such a judgmental world that I cant go a day without thinking what people would think of me next. In the past it always seemed like I was never good enough for anyone and that there is always going to be someone better than I am. There is always going to be another person who is more talented and prettier. And when these thoughts come to mind, I just want to lock myself up in the room and feel worthless. It doesn’t help when people that I care most about are constantly comparing me to others, like I HAVE to me exactly like them. I don’t know, I am doing better about not caring about how others view me. But there are still times where I wish I was better.
I want to tell you “I love you” but what does it really mean when I say I do? In a matter of days, I was flooded with emotions I did not intend on having. I did not mean to have felt this way but you somehow found your way into my heart. What was it that drawn me so close and allowed myself to get hooked onto you? The feeling is surreal and I cant explain why. I ask repeatedly in my head “why you?” why do you have this control over me to feel so weak.. My mind races whenever I think of you and how possible a future together would be. But everyday I have to hold back the feeling and shrug it off. As much as I want to allow it, I cant. I made the mistake in wasting 4 years from my previous relationship to not take my time and learn more about myself. I feel guilty to fall back on this last relationship and use that as a stepping stone on my current one to be more cautious on the choices I make. I could have potentially found my soul mate, the partner God meant for me, but here I am denying the feelings and holding myself back from letting what’s meant to be, be. Honestly, it hurts to not tell you everything that I want to say but, I know that if it’s really true, it can wait.
I want to be the best daughter for my parents, the best sister for my siblings, the best girlfriend and eventually the best wife. But how do I excel in fulfilling the needs of those that I care the most? I’ve always put others first before my own and realized it now to how much I lost the person I really am. I must learn again to love myself in order to provide the love I have to give to others. It is hard for me to be selfish because I spent my whole life servicing for others. But I have to try harder now to really focus on myself. I’m afraid that once I do, I would lose many people along the way. Although that may be the case, those who really means well, would be there for me till the very end.
My mind and heart is in a constant battle right now leaving me unsure to what I should do. My heart aches to what my mind has to say and my mind is going crazy to what my heart feels. Going back and forth to my wants and what I really need is hard. What I want is not necessarily what I need…at the moment. Why is it that what we want makes us the happiest compared to what we need? I don’t want to lose this happiness because who knows if it’ll be the same happiness the second time around.. But maybe, what I want, is what I really needed all along..
I’m starting to fall for someone and it is driving me insane on how quickly my feelings grew for him. They say once you find someone who holds all the things you are looking for, you naturally desire them. The emotions would naturally flow and the feeling that you have would feel so right. It makes me nervous to be sprung off of this feeling because it is almost similar to how I felt about my last relationship. However, there is something different and I somehow cant figure out what it is. It is driving me crazy because I usually like to know why things are a certain way. I’m afraid once I figure it out, the feeling would expire..it would disappear just as fast as it entered my heart.
Marriage has always been a sacred thing. A special time where two people creates a bond and become one. Although the journey through a successful marriage is not always going to be easy, if the two people really cares about each other, they will always find a way to compromise. After a failed marriage of my own, I want my next (hopefully) to be better. I’m sure all people that has been in my shoes feels for the same thing. Just having to experience what I did with my first, I want to use that as a lesson to use when I do end up getting married again. I promised myself before, that I would marry just once and when times got rough, I will find a way to make things work. Unfortunately that was not the case for my last marriage. Married at 20, divorced at 24. I am so cautious now as to what I need to do with my life. Time does not stop for anyone and before I know it, I would be living in my late 30’s…50’s just wondering what the hell happened. This time around I will make a new promise to myself. It would be all about self-focus and self-improvement. I promise to do it right this time. Finishing school is my main priority and I am making it the first thing I must accomplish. Secondly, land a career to help my family. I’ve said it before and I will say it again — they deserve the world and so much more. Literally everything I do is dedicated to them. I have no time to be thinking about what I need because my family lays heavily on my mind 24/7. And lastly, once my family is taken care of, marriage and a family of my own. I feel most comfortable with how I categorized my life goals because my top two is something I know I can ALWAYS rely on. Having someone by my side is a huge bonus, and ever greater if it’s with someone that I can relate my goals and dreams with.